Belonging part 2 – an interior work

The need to belong is a fundamental and intrinsic human need. But for some of us we can be our own worst enemies in inhabiting a place of “unbelonging” rather than belonging. Nowhere is this more acute and destructive than in the church, the very collective organism that Jesus described as family. I am asking God to shine a spotlight on what is going on internally within me. I long for the inner rewiring and renewing that I need to move firmly out of a mindset of unbelonging and into belonging.

Alicia recently wrote this beautiful post about belonging. I deeply identify with her longing to belong and her outsider feelings, especially in gatherings. I’m well acquainted with that floundering self-consciousness among a crowd who seem to know a secret to connection I’ve somehow missed. It’s been there as long as I can remember – from the shy, awkward child to the new mum trying to navigate fitting in amid the chaos of little ones. These thoughts, and the feelings of loneliness and self-dissatisfaction that inevitably attach, come up in all settings – work, social situations, and certainly also in church.

I’m grateful that as God is doing a work of spiritual formation in my life, I’m moving slowly towards a greater sense of belonging, based on a foundation of love and acceptance. But I still notice my sense of belonging can be a fragile thing.

Lately I’ve been aware that God has more to say and do in me about belonging. There’s a fundamental change needed in my thinking.

I love the guideposts Alicia suggests towards a greater sense of belonging through looking out for the awkward others and through learning from those who have mastered deep connection. This is such a helpful attitude and outlook.

I’ve been sensing God prodding me to look inward. Why am I so quick to abandon the belief that I belong when I meet resistance from my circumstances or feelings? Why do I let my sense of belonging be undermined and tossed away by the thoughts I allow myself to believe? And as I’ve considered that, alongside observations and conversations with others, I’ve realised that this battle for a fixed sense of belonging is not just mine. I think many of us feel at least some of the time that we don’t belong. In particular, it happens in church. Perhaps because there it matters so much.

People believing they don’t belong is a destructive force within the individuals themselves, and also within the collective body, the church. It has the potential to weaken confidence, relationships and commitments. It moves us further from the potential we have as a body of believers. Few things will rob us more of being fully alive in Christ and fully alive in the body of Christ than that lie that we do not belong. For myself, I know that unbelonging holds me back. It means I disengage from relationships and am less likely to see the value in my commitment.

I’m now seeing that this lurking sense of unbelonging is something to bring into the light, to probe for truth and lies, and see the power of any lies dismantled.

To excavate my unbelonging thinking, I’m learning to accept the theology of belonging, wholly and wholeheartedly. Even if this goes against what I feel in those moments that I am swamped by a sense of not belonging.

The Bible has much to say about the relationship of the believer to God and believers to one another. I can only skim the surface here:

• Jesus welcomed all sorts to his team – he demonstrated an inclusivity that shocked his culture.
• The way Jesus talked about his disciples, and by extension us as his followers now, was stunning: they were chosen by Jesus (John 15:19); belong to Jesus and to the Father God (John 16:15); were appointed (John 15:16); had a place in God’s family, as children (John 8:35).
• Paul echoed Jesus language of belonging and family when teaching about the church. We belong to Christ (Romans 7:4); are God’s children and heirs (Romans 8:17); belonging to the light (1Thessalonians 5:8).
• To belong to God is to belong to others. Paul describes the church as a body (eg Romans 12:4). We each are part of the same living entity, the “family of believers” (Galatians 6:10).

We can own our identity as one who belongs, a part of a people who belong, based on these truths. I need to make this the immovable truth within me.

I’m realising I need to catch myself at moments when I’m vulnerable to thinking I don’t belong. Or even better, I can catch myself before that thinking kicks in and I’m assaulted by the accompanying feelings.

There are certain times when I’m more vulnerable to feeling I don’t belong in church, like: during change in my own life, or in the church; when I’m unsure of how I can contribute; when going through a hard time; and when I entertain comparison with others.

I think sometimes I’ve engaged in some error-ridden arithmetic. I’ve equated a situation that feels uncomfortable or lonely, or which reduces my sense of usefulness or worth, with me not belonging. But this is never the truth. My sense of worth, identity and belonging must be separate from the fragile, changeable things (including at times my ego and self-esteem). Instead, again and again I must return to that theology of belonging as my foundational truth, an equation that is already settled.

We all long for home. We long to dwell with ease in who we are in a place we know we are welcome and that we fit. This plays out on the outside in how we think and feel about a multitude of groupings we find ourselves in. But it stems from what’s going on internally, in the deepest part of us. The inner territory taken up by the desire to belong can feel like a battleground. This can be a source of pain and unstable identity.

For me, at least, what is needed is a spiritual surgery. The shift I need when it comes to my outer sense of belonging has to start within. And nothing other than letting God invade, claim and occupy that battleground will do. I must make room for truth and allow it to be fixedly planted. The truth that I belong, that I have and always will belong, to God. Those words Jesus of his disciples, apply to me: chosen, appointed, child.

God, for all of us who battle with a sense of not belonging, particularly within the context of church, do the work to excavate our wrong thinking. Uncover the lies and the ways we let our sense of belonging be shaken. Hold us in the beautiful truth that we belong to you and, in you, to each other – unshakeably family. Renew us and plant us in the foundation of your truth. Thank you for being our Father, for the priceless honour of being your children.

Do you find maintaining a sense of belonging to be a battle sometimes? What has helped you to own a sense of belonging?

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