Belonging

I love that word. It has the deep sense of home, of warmth, of togetherness. Being in a place and fitting in, somewhere which is mine. But not just mine for in this place there are others to whom it belongs as much as myself. This, I think, is a much better word than community. For we each live within communities that for the most part are dislocated, fractured, and separate – the very antithesis of belonging.

I have often felt like somehow I don’t fit. There are times when I stand in a group of people and feel foreign, strange and disconnected. It as if somehow everyone else shares a secret that I don’t know. That they all stand on common ground, but there is no room for me.

And yet, maybe, just maybe, my perceptions are false. Perhaps people look at me and think that they are the only one who stands alone. That everyone else, me included, belongs to an exclusive club that they have no hope of ever joining. I write this post for you. And I write it for us all, in the hope that we will be aware that when we meet there may be some among us who feel this way.

One solution to this, if that is how we feel, is clearly to avoid all situations where this happens, or even has the potential to occur. That, undoubtedly, is the temptation. No one wants to feel like an outsider, to be reminded that they are different, or to stand alone in a room filled with enthusiastic conversation. I have tried that, at times. I have tried to excuse myself, particularly when it is something that I tell myself doesn’t matter, and that no one will notice if I am absent. But, it seems to me, that to run away is to admit defeat and to conclude that the way things are now is the way things will always be. I want to have the courage to fight for something worth fighting for, and so I turn up in the hope that connection is possible.

The solution that I have found is to look around the room and try to find someone who looks like they are uncomfortable. To search for those standing alone, who are not joining with others in conversation, and then to do my best to connect with them. It is what I discovered while caving many years ago: if you find someone who is more afraid than you are, and you put your energy into helping them, into encouraging them, into giving them hope, you discover that you are okay. That you can get through because your focus is not on yourself. I hope and pray that I make a difference to that person. I do not claim great skill in this area, though that is certainly something that I wish I had, I know some people who do and a very few who seem to have mastered it.

There are some who are incredibly gifted at connecting. It is as if they look at you and they see you. They seek you out. They don’t look past you, at all the people they would rather talk to. Neither do they rush through a conversation based on superficialities and then move on. They take time, they ask questions, they hear your answers, and they respond with kindness, grace, compassion and insight. You come away from a conversation with someone like this, and you feel that you have been met. By them, yes, but also, somehow, by God himself. How I long to be like that! How I long to know their secret. To be someone who carries the fragrance of Christ everywhere that I go and into every conversation that I have.

Perhaps that last point is unsurprising. That when we are truly met, we are met not just by the person we are holding the conversation with, but we meet God himself. For, our God exists in relationship. He is Triune – the Father, the Son and the Spirit – the three who are one. And so we are born with a longing to belong. For we are created in the image of God, we were formed for community, we are made to belong to one another, and to God himself.

Can we have one without the other? God seems to answer that question by giving us a family. When we come to know Him, we are no longer foreigners, aliens, outsiders. He gives us a new name. He calls us his children. And so we belong to him, and to each other.

As Paul writes,

“So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are citizens with the saints and also members of the household of God”

Ephesians 2:19

And so we have been given a home, a place where we belong, a family. God is our Father, and we are his children, brothers and sisters in the household of God. And this family is vast, diverse, and incredible.

But are our churches places of belonging or are they, maybe, sometimes, places of isolation and dislocation? Are our churches places where those who feel like they do not belong find a family? Where all people, most notably those who society shuns and ignores, find a home? Are we a place where no one feels alone, where everyone feels welcome, where everyone comes away and says, ‘today I was seen, I was befriended, I was met’? If the answer to these questions lies, at least at times, in the negative what are we to do? What am I to do?

Maybe I need to see the precious gift that I hold in my hands. Perhaps I need to perfect the art of conversation, of welcome, of seeing. Maybe I need to watch and learn from those who have mastered this, to ask them questions. Perhaps I need to have the courage to try, knowing that my approaches will not always be welcome, but never knowing if the one in front of me may need exactly what I, with the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, can bring.

Lord Jesus, may you give me, may you give us, eyes to see those who are around us. Teach us to love, to serve, and to seek out those who are alone. May you teach us the art of seeing, of conversation and of welcome. May people come away from discussions with us and know that they have been met. And in our conversations and in our manner may people see you. Amen

So, do you know what it is like to stand in a crowd and feel alone? Do you notice people who are? How do you react when you are in that kind of situation? Who do you know who is gifted in this area? What can you learn?

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